


to love is to destroy (and that to be loved is to be the one destroyed)

by something_soft_and_soaked_in_pain



Category: Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 - Malloy
Genre: Angst, F/F, Russian names are very hard to type
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-28 22:48:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8465911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/something_soft_and_soaked_in_pain/pseuds/something_soft_and_soaked_in_pain
Summary: Marya and Helene find and lose each other.





	

**Author's Note:**

> unbeta'd all mistakes are mine

The first time Marya meets Helene they're both at a ball thrown by the Akhrosimovs.

  
"Hello. Helene Kuragina isn't it?" Marya asks.

  
"It is. You must be Marya." Helene said.  
"I must. Are you enjoying the Ball?" Marya asked.

  
"It's very nice. Why'd your parents throw it?" asked Helene.

  
"They're looking for a suitor for me. My other one refused me." Marya said.  
"I'm sorry. My parents want me to marry

Pierre Bezukhov, do you know him? Could you imagine?" asked Helene, laughter in her voice.

  
"I wouldn't think a woman like you could be tied down." said Marya.

  
"The same to you, Marya. I've heard the stories. I hear they call you the Great Dragon of Moscow. No one told me that dragons could be so pretty." said Helene, teasing.

  
"A title which I'm very proud of. It gets people to take me more seriously." Marya said, ignoring Helene's flattery.

  
"I don't think anyone would assume you to be anything but serious." said Helene.

Throughout their conversation, Helene was inching steadily closer till their faces were almost touching.

  
"Come with me." Helene suddenly says, pulling Marya toward the doors.

  
"Where are we going?" Marya asked, letting herself be dragged along.

  
"Somewhere amazing." said Helene.

  
Helene pulls Marya into a troika and as they get farther and farther away from the lights of the ball, Marya feels free.

  
They finally stop outside of a large open field, and despite the cold Helene shrugs out of her cloak like it's nothing. Helene takes Marya's hand again and pulls her to the center of the field. She lays down, pulling Marya down with her, spreading the fur cloak underneath them. Marya looks up and gasps. The sky is spread before them, the aurora borealis lighting up the field in beautiful blues and greens, and illuminating the constellations around it.

  
"I come here when I need to think. Or when I need to be brought down some." Helene said quietly.

  
"What do you mean?" Marya asked.  
"How do you feel looking up at the stars? At the universe?" Helene asks.

  
"Tiny. Awestruck." Marya waits a beat before adding, "Insignificant."

  
"Everyone gets so caught up in marriages and balls and how big Moscow is they forget how small they are." Helene says.

  
"How does that make you feel?" Marya asked.

  
"It terrifies me. But I like it too. It's humbling." Helene said.

  
"Why don't you let anyone know how you think? You could be great." Marya said.

  
"In Moscow? I'd be laughed at. I've already worked hard to maintain my reputation as Anatole's pretty sister, and I want to keep it that way." Helene says.

  
"You're a wolf in sheep's clothing." Marya says.

  
"Don't you ever forget it." Helene says baring her teeth playfully.

  
"Have you ever brought anyone else out here?" Marya asks.

  
"My brother, once. He was too young to appreciate it though." Helene said.

  
"It's beautiful." Marya said, looking back up at the sky.

  
"Like you Marya." Helene said.

  
"You're a flatterer." Marya says dismissively.

  
"Maybe I am, but I rarely mean it like I do now." Helene says.

Marya looks at her for a long moment and Helene closes the gap between them.  
When Marya kisses Helene, she sees stars and comets behind her eyelids.  
Helene makes her feel ethereal.

 

* * *

 

They spend weeks together, in the field, at balls they've crashed, and with each other. Marya is ridiculously in love with Helene and makes sure she knows it at every opportunity.

  
The first time she tells Helene she loves her, she does it with pearls.  
Helene is lying in Marya's lap, going on at length about a book about astronomy.  
Marya delicately places the box with the pearls on Helene's stomach. The unfamiliar weight makes her stop rambling and look up at Marya.  
"A gift for you." Marya says.

Helene looks at her quizzically before opening the box.  
When she sees the pearls, Helene gasps and throws herself into Marya's arms, kissing her face over and over again.  
"There's a note in it too." Marya says.

Helene stops her relentless kisses to read the note and her heart swells. There engraved in Marya's loopy script it reads: To my first and only love. Tears well at the corners of Helene's eyes as Marya seals the necklace clasp.

  
"I love you too, Marya." Helene says softly.

* * *

 

They've been together for nearly a year when Helene doesn't write or see Marya for a week. She assumes Helene is sick, it's happened before, but even then she sent a letter.

  
She finds her sitting in their field, alone.  
"I thought I'd find you here." Marya says, sitting beside her.

Helene's face is stained with tears, a letter crumpled in her hand. Helene wordlessly drops it into Marya's lap and takes a breath.  
"I'm marrying Pierre Bezukhov." Helene says and she begins to sob. Helene quickly skins the letter and finds it to be true.

  
"They can't make you do this, Helene! We can convince him to refuse you, Pierre and I are old friends I'm sure I can convince him to change his mind. We could run away together go to all the places we talked about and-" Marya's rambling is cut off by a sob of her own.

  
"I can't. We're to be married at the end of the month." Helene says, fresh tears falling from her eyes.

  
"I love you, Helene." Marya says.  
"Don't say that now." Helene says, pleading.

  
"I do. If you're marrying Pierre, I want you to know that. I want you to always know that." Marya says, touching Helene's pearls with her finger.

  
"Don't say it like that." Helene said, clutching the edges of Marya's coat.

  
"Like what?" Marya asked.

  
"Like this is the last time we'll see each other again." Helene said.

  
"It might be. But I promise I will always love you, Helene." Marya said.

  
"I love you too, Marya." Helene kisses Marya and then suddenly, she's gone.  
There are no stars that night.

* * *

  
Years later, there is an opera, and there is Helene.

She wasn't there one moment, and the next she is. Marya hasn't spoken to Helene since she announced her engagement to Pierre. Their wedding was beautiful, Pierre had invited her, knowing Helene would want her there. Standing there, watching the woman she loved marry someone else was too much. So she ran.  
Marya had ran because she'd never wanted to accept that her first love was gone. She'd had left Moscow the day after the wedding, traveling everywhere that she and Helene had talked about in that starlit field. All over Europe, until she was asked to take in her goddaughters.  
"There's a woman one should stay far away from." Marya knows she's being hypocritical as soon as she says it but she can't stop herself.

Helene is on Dolokhov's arm, stunning in the pearls that Marya gave her. Marya would be lying if she said that the sight didn't make her chest ache.  
The opera is interrupted by Anatole Kuragin. He shows up late and kisses Natasha's hand and Marya rolls her eyes. She's never liked Helene's brother, she's always found him too arrogant for her liking.

  
"Marya Dmitrievna." Helene says from behind her. When Marya sees Helene up close she's awestruck. She's as beautiful as the last time Marya saw her.

  
"Helene Bezukhova. How's Pierre?" Marya asks, trying to keep a cool temperament.

  
"Studying as always. I barely see him anymore. I came here to ask you if you wanted to go to the club with us. We're having a party in celebration of Anatole being back in town." Helene said.

  
"I'm not sure, Helene. Anatole and his friends are a tad too wild for my taste." said Marya. 

  
"The Great Dragon of Moscow, can't keep up anymore? You've gotten soft, Marya." Helene teased.

  
"I'm not soft, Helene. I'll go." said Marya, knowing she would regret this.

  
"Wonderful! I'll see you there, Marya." said Helene, going to pull her brother away from Natasha.

* * *

 

The club was chaos.

  
Anatole and Helene had brought nearly all of Moscow to celebrate Anatole being back. Pierre was there as well, which was a surprise to everyone. As soon as Marya stepped in the whirlwind of activity that was the club, Helene pulled her away to dance. Marya had missed this.

When she'd been younger, and before Helene was married to Pierre, they used to go out every night. The first time she'd told Helene she loved her, she'd given her the pearls. Helene had never taken them off, even now.

  
They'd been recklessly in love up until Helene told Marya she'd be marrying Pierre. Marya's world shattered when Helene told her and they'd drifted apart. Marya was snapped out of her reverie by Pierre shouting at Dolokhov. He'd been touching and flirting with Helene all night, it didn't surprise her that Pierre was upset.

They'd decided to duel, only egged on by the crowd and Anatole.

When Pierre hit Dolokhov, Helene's scream was high and terrible.

  
The party ended soon after that, doctors were called for Dolokhov and he was carried away.

  
"Come home with me." Helene had whispered in Marya's ear after they took Dolokhov away.

  
"You're a married woman Helene, it's not right." said Marya.

  
"When have you ever known me to care about what's right?" Helene asked, her lips against Marya's ear.

Before she knew it, Marya was being whisked away in a troika to Helene's.  
In the time they'd been apart, Marya forgot how encompassing Helene could be.

All her touches felt like she was indulging in something sinful, and she didn't want salvation. As they lay in bed, Marya contemplating staying. They'd done it a thousand times before, nights were spent at both of their houses. Why was this time different? Marya dressed herself slowly, thinking over what happened in her head.  
She'd missed Helene so very much, but she was reluctant to admit that aloud.  
What if Helene was just looking to use her? What if she just was just looking for a quick lay? Then the worst thought of all surfaced: What if Helene had lied to her about Pierre while they were together?

  
"You could stay, Marya. You're always welcome here." said Helene. The sight of Helene wrapped in her bedsheets almost makes her stay, but she shakes her head.

  
"You're married Helene. We shouldn't have done this." Marya said, her voice sharp.

  
"You know I don't love Pierre, Marya. You know who I love, whom I've always loved." said Helene.

  
"I know." Marya says.

  
She leaves anyway.

* * *

 

The next day after Marya threatens Prince Bolkonsky within an inch of his life, she's surprised to find Helene in her sitting room.

  
"Countess Bezukhova. What are you doing here?" Marya asks.

Natasha is standing admiring herself in her new dress, a faint blush staining her cheeks.  
"I was inviting Natasha to the ball at our house tonight, you'll come as well won't you?" Helene asks. When she looks at Natasha again her eyes are wide and pleading.

  
"Of course, Countess. I'll come." Marya says. Natasha squeals excitedly and runs to tell Sonya about the ball.

  
"You'll be the prettiest there, Marya." said Helene.

  
"You said that the first time we met." said Marya.

  
"I meant it then and I meant it now. See you tonight, Marya." Helene says.

* * *

 

Like everything the Kuragins do, the ball is extravagant. Helene takes Marya away the first chance she gets to dance.

  
"You've gotten better at this, Marya." said Helene.

  
"Or you've gotten worse at it." Marya says, spinning Helene.

As they continue to dance, Helene pulls her close.

  
"We drifted apart." Helene says solemnly.

  
"We did. You got married." said Marya.

  
"I did. And I broke your heart." said Helene.

  
"You did." Marya says flatly.

  
"I'm sorry that I did, Marya. I had no choice in the matter." Helene says, tightening her hold on Marya's hands.

  
"We've stopped dancing." Marya notes.

  
"We have." Helene agrees.

  
Helene swiftly pulls Marya into a room off to the side of the ballroom.

  
"Helene? Why'd you bring me-" Marya is cut off by Helene's lips against hers. Helene kisses her fervently, tears streaming down her cheeks.

  
"I've missed you so very much, Marya. And I am so sorry." Helene says through her tears.

  
"I've missed you as well, Helene. I'm sorry for leaving." says Marya. Marya wipes the tears from Helene's face.

  
"Bygones. Will you stay?" Helene asks, her voice shaky.

  
"Yes." Marya says, kissing Helene again.

  
Marya stays for three days, both her and Helene never leaving the bedroom. Marya and Helene talk for long hours into the night that bleed into the morning. A servant interrupts them in the middle of the third night with an urgent message for Marya.

  
"Your goddaughter sends for you urgently, she says it's a matter of great importance." said the maidservant.

  
"Natasha?" Marya asks, worry in her voice. The maidservant shakes her head.  
"Sonya." said the maidservant, handing Marya the letter.

  
"I'll leave at once. Tell the Countess, I said goodbye when she wakes." Marya says. She casts a long look at Helene's sleeping form and heads to the waiting troika.

* * *

 

"Marya! It's Natasha, she's been planning something terrible!" Sonya said upon her godmother's arrival.

  
"What is it? Is she alright?" Marya asks.

  
"She plans to elope with Anatole Kuragin!" Sonya exclaimed.

  
"When? When is the elopement?" asked Marya. 

  
"Tonight. He'll be coming tonight." said Sonya.

  
"Don't worry Sonya, I'll end this." said Marya.

  
That night, she instructed the maidservants to bring Anatole through the courtyard.  
Anatole Kuragin swaggered up the steps and whistled for Natasha.

  
"You will not enter my house, scoundrel!" Marya shouted, stepping into the moonlight. Anatole turned white and sprinted back to his troika.  
Now that he was gone, it was time to go confront Natasha.

  
"You foolish girl! How could you do this? Don't you know you are betrothed?!" Marya yelled, rounding on Natasha.

  
"I have no betrothed! I've refused Andrey!" Natasha shouts back.

  
"Why didn't he openly ask for your hand? Don't you know if your father had found out he'd have killed him in a duel!? That wretched man!" Marya yelled.

  
"He's better than any of you! Go away! Everyone go away!" Natasha wailed, throwing herself down on the sofa. 

  
"Natalya, you'll see why I did this soon enough." Marya said calmly.   
After taking care of Natasha, Marya told Sonya to send for Pierre.

* * *

 

"Pierre, where have you been?" Marya exclaims as he steps into the sitting room.

  
"I've been studying. The servant told me you were upset." said Pierre.

  
"Natasha has tried to elope with Anatole Kuragin. I need your help. " said Marya. Pierre stepped back, clearly stunned.

  
"Natasha? Andrey's betrothed?" asked Pierre incredulously.

  
"Yes. Anatole showed up last night intending to take her away." said Marya.

  
"That stupid child. I've always known he was trouble, Anatole is a married man." Pierre says.

  
"He's married? Wait till I tell her." said Marya.

  
"Poor Andrey." Pierre mused.

  
"You must go see your brother in law and tell him he must leave Moscow. And not dare to let my eyes on him again!" Marya exclaimed.

  
"I'll go at once." said Pierre.

  
While Pierre was going to find Anatole, she'd pay a visit to Helene.

* * *

 

Marya marched up to the door and pounded her fist against it until Helene pulled it open.

  
"Marya? I wasn't expecting you, are you alright?" Helene asks, when Marya storms right past her.

  
"How long did you know Helene? How long?" Marya asks furiously.

  
"How long did I know what? Marya, I don't know what you're so angry about." Helene asks.

  
"About the elopement! The elopement, Helene!" Marya yells.

  
"What elopement Marya? I don't know what you're talking about." Helene says.

  
"You're telling me you didn't know that Anatole was planning to elope with Natasha? That your brother showed up to my home last night expecting to take her away?" Marya asks.

  
"No! Marya, please. I had no idea." Helene says, reaching for Marya's arm.

  
"Don't touch me!" Marya exclaims. Helene steps back and then speaks quietly.

  
"Natasha's alright isn't she? You stopped him. I don't understand why you're so upset, Marya, I-"

  
Marya cuts Helene off sharply.  
"My goddaughter tried to take her life."

Marya presses her palms hard against her eyes and wills the tears not to fall.  
_Not here_ , she thinks. _Not in front of her._

  
"Marya, I'm so sorry. Marya, I didn't know-" Helene tries reaching for her, but Marya jerks back.

  
"You didn't know? You know what kind of man your brother is. You know how _young_ Natasha is, how foolish. How could you not know? You know that I love-" Marya's voice trails off. Tears sting at the corners of her eyes and she wipes them away furiously.

  
"Marya-" Helene tries again.

  
"I never want to see you again." Marya says softly.

  
"Marya, you know I would've stopped him if I'd known. You know how I love you, how I love Natasha and Sonya." Helene says.

  
Marya leaves and doesn't look back.  
Had she known. When would've she stopped him? After the ball? After the elopement?  
After Natasha had taken her life? Fresh tears fall and Marya reminds herself that Natasha is alive.

  
When she arrives home she tells a servant to go fetch Pierre again.  
He arrives within the hour and he holds Natasha when she cries. Pierre has always been a good man, saw how happy Helene made Marya and let them be. Pierre has always been kind, even when others weren't to him.

  
Marya thinks she could try to be like Pierre and forgive.  
When Marya knocks on Natasha's door, Natasha lets her in.  
When she sees the comet that night, Marya thinks of Helene. It's brilliant and alluring and so very dangerous. Pierre had once told her that the comet was a harbinger of doom and the destruction of Russia, and she'd called him foolish. Something so amazing and bright couldn't be destructive.  
Well, Marya thinks, I have known destruction through love, and it is truly beautiful.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it!!  
> follow and or scream at me about Amber and Grace kissing @etherealtransboy on tumblr


End file.
